iwant2beaskinnybitch

Well here it is the beginning of Project Skinny Bitch and it feels just like any other day.  Everyone is asleep, as usual.  The washing machine is swooshing, the turtle is is doing his morning lunges off his platform, and I’m at the computer checking in everywhere thinking I wish I hadn’t fallen into the summer trap of sleeping until 9.  It feels like the day is half over already.  I guess I put so much energy in and created excitement over the planning and anticipation that I was expecting something to POP today.  Maybe it is that lack of instant gratification that makes us lose interest in new diets and other lifestyle changes.  Maybe finding something to keep me excited will be the key to my success this time. 

I fell asleep last night thinking about today and how I got here.  I also thought about where I was before.  Over the years as I have become less healthy I have had to fight off the depression bug pretty hard.  I went to work every day at the real estate office and smiled real big and tried to convince everyone (including me) that I was happy, chipper me.   I have not allowed my mind to go much to what life was like before and how it compares to now.  The physical feelings… the tiredness, the extra weight, lack of energy to play with my kids as much as I want, tight clothes, etc., were enough to deal with.  Pining over the past for five years might have been too much for me and left me wide open to the bug.

In terms of weight loss, we don’t often think deeper than “before” and “after”.  Fat people getting skinny.  We get excited for them and even motivated ourselves to make some kind of change that is needed.  But we don’t often think about how that changes their lives beyond looking great in  tank top.  Those who experience sudden weight loss due to something like bariatric surgery have some extreme things to get used to with how they see themselves (or don’t recogize themselves in the mirror) to reacting to the way society changes toward them over night. 

What about the skinny girl turned fat?  That’s where I am.  If you have only ever been one or the other you will not be able to relate but if you have… if you’ve gone from fat to skinny you are enjoying the way people treat you at the store, the mall, the gas station, the gym, etc.  And if you’re like me, skinny to fat, you are painfully aware of how the world turned against you.

Sometimes thin, hot, or just non fat people do not realize the perks afforded to them by being as they are. Before I gained weight people I passed were so kind.  Everyone smiled really big and showed me to my table, made chit chat at the check out counter, wiped my windows while I was pumping gas, and valued my opinion on a variety of topics.  Today I have doors fluttering closed in my face because I can’t even get someone to hold the door for me when my arms are filled with bags. 

It is easy to be happy and optimistic when people are smiling back at you.  When the day comes that you realize you have made it through several days without a single act of random kindness coming back to you it becomes clear.  I am a fat person now.  So this is how it feels. 

To keep me motivated I am going to bring those feelings of yesteryear out of the closet and hold them close to me.  I think it is sad that this is how society works and that we have to look a certain way to be treated well, but maybe if it didn’t, we wouldn’t be motivated to look and feel our best, which ultimately is as much an issue of health as aesthetics. I want the world to smile back at me and maybe even hold the door for me.  The gratification will not be intant, but the idea of being on my way there is already making me happy.

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