iwant2beaskinnybitch

Today is the day in 1996 that I learned that my Mother had died. She was healthy and vibrant, silly, and strong. Even when I am not aware of the date, which is often, since I don’t have that kind of job anymore, my insides know. My body is sensitive to the similarity of the feelings from one early October to the next. The smell of the air, the changing of the leaves, the rain, the sun, the everything. My body senses it before my mind even makes the connection.

I spent all day yesterday being happy, productive and enjoying the day, but also busting in and out of tears. Neither I nor my husband made the connection. I told him, “I have always felt connected to the changing seasons, I guess it just fucks me up.” The statement, delivered to shock him out of being concerned for me, sent us both to the giggle farm. Still not realizing the source of the swirling emotions.

I am reading a book right now called EATING FOR ENERGY by Yuri Elkaim. It ties together eating the right foods, having the right attitude, doing the right things, as being the the key to perfect health, fitness, and happiness. Somewhere between my last reading and this morning my page got lost. I wasn’t that far into it so I just started over and a particular passage grabbed me.

“When you strive to become better yourself, everything around you will become better as well. The environment in which you live, the people that surround you and all of life’s situations will improve as you do. By working on yourself, focusing on maintaining a healthy, positive outlook, and being happy, you can begin to experience health, joy, and energy in endless abundance.”

I thought of my Mom. I had never actually heard her say those words, but that is how I have always lived my life and that has to be a direct reflection on how I was raised, even when I can’t pinpoint the exact lesson. For the last few years I have strayed a bit from that way of thinking that was mine for all those years. It appeared she was sending me a message. A reminder to keep on with my focus and direction back to positivity. I said aloud, “Thanks for the message Mom”.

It was then that the date occurred to me. “Of course”, I acknowledged.

At my Mommy Blog I wrote a post in honor of my Mom and my “step” Mom, about the inner conflict involved with losing an amazing Mother, then being gifted with an incredible step Mom. You can find it here at Her Family Blog. I hope you like it.